We do it every day, usually without giving it much thought simply because it works. But what do we do when communication isn’t working the way we want it to? Or when disagreement or conflict makes it particularly difficult? There are some simple strategies that we can all learn to use to improve communication.

1. What we say and what others hear is often different

How you express yourself is a product of your own personal viewpoint, experiences, assumptions, and judgments. How other people hear you is a product of their own personal viewpoint, experiences, assumptions and judgments. It is especially important that in stressful situations you take the time to restate what you thought you heard said so that the understanding is clear and no false assumptions are made. Saying something like, “Did I understand correctly that what you propose is _____?” also gives you an extra moment to process the information before responding.

2. Respond, don’t react

A reaction is an expression of feelings. A response is a more thoughtful expression of facts and feelings. For example, if you are an educator and a parent raises concerns about what is happening in the classroom, you may be inclined to react defensively, but a defensive reaction does not encourage communication. Instead of saying something like “well that’s the way we always do it,” try responding by saying something like, “Can you tell me more about exactly what it is that concerns you?” You may find that the real concern is not what you immediately assumed it to be, and you will open the door to better communication.

3. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements

Take ownership of your feelings and views. You may be thinking, “You don’t seem to care about my child, only about how much it will cost,” but instead of saying that, try saying something more like, “I’m hearing concerns about how to make this program work within your budget. Is there a way services can be provided with the existing personnel?”

4. Work on listening

Most people think they are good listeners, but often they don’t really listen, because they are thinking about what they're going to say next, or something upsetting that was said earlier. Part of good listening is asking questions that will bring out the information you need. It is important to focus on the answer, not on what you think will be said, or how you will respond. If you find this challenging, try the strategy of repeating what is said back to make sure you have understood the speaker’s intent. For example, “I’m hearing that your biggest concern is _____, is that right?”

5. Look for common ground

It is easy to let differences take over and forget what you have in common. Remember to acknowledge the things that are going well or that you feel are being done right. Building on areas of agreement can help to bridge gaps of disagreement.

6. Be aware of body language

There are lots of ways to communicate and body language often speaks louder than words. Be aware of your own body language. Rolling eyes, loud sighing, or other signs of frustration can be barriers to good communication. If you’ve ever sat across the table from someone who does it, you know that very well. Do your best to behave respectfully even if you don’t feel like it and expect others to be respectful of you. If you are reading body language that is counter-productive, try to turn it around by inviting input from that person and letting them know that they are being heard. If you are feeling too stressed to control your body language, ask to take a break and find a quiet place to calm down.

7. No one has all the answers

Don’t expect that you always will. It's OK to say, "I don't know" or “I will have to find that out for you.” If you are confronted by a person who does seem to think he or she knows “it all,” try suggesting that every issue has more than one point of view and that a full discussion of any issue should welcome different viewpoints.

A reaction is an expression of feelings;
a response is a more thoughtful
expression of facts and feelings.

 
8. Acknowledge frustration, anger, or other feelings

If you don’t acknowledge obvious feelings, they become the “elephant in the room” and everyone becomes invested in avoiding the “elephant” instead of concentrating on the issues that deserve attention. Express your own feelings in a non-confrontational way, such as, “I’m feeling that we are spinning our wheels right now. Could we take a short break and see if that helps us get back to the issues that need to be resolved?” You may also want to offer the opportunity for others to share their feelings. For example, “You seem very frustrated with what is happening. What do you think we can do to improve the situation?” 

9. It is natural to resist change

Remember that change is stressful for most people, particularly if it makes them feel like they are less in control. Routines and patterns that we are used to are comforting and even though we may know changes need to be made, we may have feelings of resistance. Be willing to discuss the “what ifs?” that come up with proposing a new situation and try to work out a plan for change that allows everyone to adjust comfortably. Talk about the positives you expect and what you will do if unexpected problems arise.

10. Try not to take other people’s reactions personally

How other people react to you is often more about them and their feelings of fear, frustration, or insecurity than it is about you. You may need to let the other person vent, but even it seems like a personal attack, try taking a deep breath and counting to ten before responding. If you are the one who needs to vent, do your best to avoid making it personal and keep it focused on the situation, not the personalities.

11. We all encounter people we find difficult